by Nikolett Pataki
B woke up at 4am, as usual. Loved these lazy hours when she felt as if she would have beaten the world. She’s got time to catch up with herself, have proper space for her thoughts and ideas.
Just opened her eyes, checked her phone, as always, and saw the first line of an email, from her ex’s mother. They used to love each other. It took a while for B to be able to close that energy flow, peacefully and gently.
But this morning was different, B somehow wasn’t very surprised, so many things have happened to her recently, all good things, so it was somehow inevitable that she would sense it and would want to be part of it somehow. Email was the usual way for it. She used delicate words, was a real intellectual and B admired her for that. Despite the pain she and her son caused to her, B still loved them – from a safe distance. She knew if she opened that email, she would be sucked back into that reality where she felt powerless and vulnerable. But she couldn’t help, she had already read the first line; “As I was sensing that you are in a welcoming state of mind…”
– God, not again – she thought and put the phone down. She felt a sinking feeling, into the dark. She put her phone down and started to reflect on herself. As she went through her feelings and emotions and embraced them all, she was able to convince herself that she is in another reality now, she doesn’t need to explain herself and she made it (somehow, somewhere, even she wasn’t fully clear with it). But as she was calming down, she decided to read the whole email, as felt strong enough to deal with it. She didn’t know yet what her plan was beyond reading but that didn’t matter. She wanted to face – whatever comes after those words.
So, she lifted her phone again and looked for the email. But it was nowhere. She felt a small panic again, now that she chickened out and somehow managed to make it disappear. She tried every option possible with other messages – still, they were recoverable. How on earth did she manage to get rid of it so quickly and without any trace?
Very slowly did she just realise and accept how she had a peek through a window.
