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By Nikolett Pataki

– This is it, can’t wait to move in! What’s that face?

– I’m really not sure what I want anymore.

– What do you mean? The contract is here, we paid for the solicitors and this place ticks most of our boxes from the list! We took it slowly, I agreed to be patient with you and we had 6 months to change our mind. Are you listening to me at all?

– Yes, I know it all, my mind knows it all. It’s just my heart.

– What about it? Talk to me!

– I can’t do it.

– Do what? What can you not do exactly?

– This whole thing, moving in with you, buying a house, settling down, having a normal life…

– But that’s what we did so far! We were basically living together and that’s how we came to this conclusion, don’t you remember?

– I do. It’s just, I can’t force myself

– You don’t have to, it’s step by step, a slow process and this is the last bit

– Yes but if we sign this we need to be in for at least 25 years.

– I thought that’s what you wanted, to be together for even more time than that?

– Yes, if it’s now.

– What do you mean?

– I mean if we don’t take time into account just flowing through life, you know like rowing your boat.

– Down the stream, don’t start again!

– I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.

– Is it still the abyss?

– Yes. It’s heavy.

– It’s okay, I just, I just think stability actually would help.

– Maybe not, maybe nothing can help.

– Don’t say that, you haven’t had any episodes for –

– For 13 months, I know. And I really appreciate your presence in my life. I just can’t give you that cheerful easy going person you deserve and I used to be.

– Don’t say that, I love you just the way you are!

– Blah, blah, blah.

– OK, listen, it’s not just you in this, okay, I’m here too! And we, together, did this so far and got here and made the list and –

– I don’t care, I’m sorry.

– What? You can’t be serious!

– Listen, you did beyond imagination and I can’t be grateful enough to you. But this whole buying-a-house process somehow made me realise that this is not what I want

– Ok, so you want another –

– No, I don’t want another house or any house. I want myself!

– But I thought –

– No, listen to me! With you I was the traumatised person who needed extra care, I don’t want that anymore, I don’t want the need for special treatment and I don’t want always to be reminded how lucky I am with you.

– But –

– I know you never say this but you make me feel like it! And no, please do not try to understand, that’s exactly what I hate. Just leave me the f*ck alone.

– Wow! I really don’t know what to say now –

– Nothing, there’s no need to say anything. Just please let me go.

– You were always free, you don’t owe me anything.

– Please don’t make this hard!

– I’m not. I was just hoping that one day you’d see that.

– See what?

– Me.

– What do you mean?

– Listen, this whole story has been around you all the time, your trauma, your anxiety, your studies and –

– See that’s what I mean, I’m broken!

– No, you’re not! Not more than any other person on this bloody planet

– Wow!

– Yes, and I think you need to hear that and get out of your head and

– And what ?

– Listen, I know what you’re trying to do here and it won’t work. I know how to fight for you yet I’m ready to let you go. You need to make a decision now. Not about the house or me or even us, but yourself. You need that, and this is all in you!

– OK

– OK what?

– I understand, just please don’t make me speak now. Can you hug me, please?

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