By Nikolett Pataki
– This is it, can’t wait to move in! What’s that face?
– I’m really not sure what I want anymore.
– What do you mean? The contract is here, we paid for the solicitors and this place ticks most of our boxes from the list! We took it slowly, I agreed to be patient with you and we had 6 months to change our mind. Are you listening to me at all?
– Yes, I know it all, my mind knows it all. It’s just my heart.
– What about it? Talk to me!
– I can’t do it.
– Do what? What can you not do exactly?
– This whole thing, moving in with you, buying a house, settling down, having a normal life…
– But that’s what we did so far! We were basically living together and that’s how we came to this conclusion, don’t you remember?
– I do. It’s just, I can’t force myself
– You don’t have to, it’s step by step, a slow process and this is the last bit
– Yes but if we sign this we need to be in for at least 25 years.
– I thought that’s what you wanted, to be together for even more time than that?
– Yes, if it’s now.
– What do you mean?
– I mean if we don’t take time into account just flowing through life, you know like rowing your boat.
– Down the stream, don’t start again!
– I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.
– Is it still the abyss?
– Yes. It’s heavy.
– It’s okay, I just, I just think stability actually would help.
– Maybe not, maybe nothing can help.
– Don’t say that, you haven’t had any episodes for –
– For 13 months, I know. And I really appreciate your presence in my life. I just can’t give you that cheerful easy going person you deserve and I used to be.
– Don’t say that, I love you just the way you are!
– Blah, blah, blah.
– OK, listen, it’s not just you in this, okay, I’m here too! And we, together, did this so far and got here and made the list and –
– I don’t care, I’m sorry.
– What? You can’t be serious!
– Listen, you did beyond imagination and I can’t be grateful enough to you. But this whole buying-a-house process somehow made me realise that this is not what I want
– Ok, so you want another –
– No, I don’t want another house or any house. I want myself!
– But I thought –
– No, listen to me! With you I was the traumatised person who needed extra care, I don’t want that anymore, I don’t want the need for special treatment and I don’t want always to be reminded how lucky I am with you.
– But –
– I know you never say this but you make me feel like it! And no, please do not try to understand, that’s exactly what I hate. Just leave me the f*ck alone.
– Wow! I really don’t know what to say now –
– Nothing, there’s no need to say anything. Just please let me go.
– You were always free, you don’t owe me anything.
– Please don’t make this hard!
– I’m not. I was just hoping that one day you’d see that.
– See what?
– Me.
– What do you mean?
– Listen, this whole story has been around you all the time, your trauma, your anxiety, your studies and –
– See that’s what I mean, I’m broken!
– No, you’re not! Not more than any other person on this bloody planet
– Wow!
– Yes, and I think you need to hear that and get out of your head and
– And what ?
– Listen, I know what you’re trying to do here and it won’t work. I know how to fight for you yet I’m ready to let you go. You need to make a decision now. Not about the house or me or even us, but yourself. You need that, and this is all in you!
– OK
– OK what?
– I understand, just please don’t make me speak now. Can you hug me, please?
